


It is nothing to die. It is frightful not to live.

by Bored94



Category: Gintama
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Gen, Gintoki Needs Help, Grief/Mourning, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Yorozuya Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-15 08:09:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29432943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bored94/pseuds/Bored94
Summary: Gintoki's life has not been easy, first a war orphan, then the war and his sensei's death, ending with him losing his found family. Almost ten years have passed and Gintoki has found a new family with the Yorozuya, so what happens when he thinks he has lost that too?
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Morire non è nulla; non vivere è spaventoso.](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/760821) by Bored94 (on EFP). 



> The original version of this fanfiction is on EFP in Italian, also written by me. This is the translation, I apologise for any mistake.
> 
> (If you seen some headcanons in common with Quasar_93, don't worry, nobody is being plagiarized. We know each other in real life and we share headcanons)

Shinpachi called him for the third time, hands on his hips and a fake angry expression. «Gin-san, come on. You promised.»

«I don't remember having promised anything at all,» the man answered with an angelic expression. «I don't know what you're talking about, Shinpachi.»

«No? Really?» the boy looked at him with an evil grin. «Kagura-chan, do you mind?»

The Chinese girl jumped towards Gintoki with a maniacal laugh and dragged him heavily towards the water, while Shinpachi refreshed his memory. «You said that after the mission we would accept the hospitality of the owner of the hotel and spent some days at the beach. Days during which you should have learned to swim.»

«Oh come on, Shinpachi. I must have said it for the sake of it, I must have been drunk. I bet I was. Why don't we forget about it, huh? You kids splash around while I- NO, KAGURA, STOP. I DON'T HAVE A LIFEJACKET, KA- » before he had the time to finish his plea, the young yato had dropped him like a dead weight, making him fall completely under water.

«Are you insane? Were you trying to drown me?» he barked once back to the surface. Shinpachi rolled his eyes. «Don't exaggerate, you said you can swim a little, albeit badly, and even Kagura can touch here.»

«Hey, Specky! Are you saying I'm short?» she protested.

Gin tried to take advantage of the bickering between the two to escape, but they noticed him and, without stopping their fight, they grabbed him by his arms and dragged him back in the water.

After a few more unsuccessful escape attempts, the mighty samurai, the White Demon, Shiroyasha of the Four Heavenly Kings, the legend who had fought in the war against the Amanto, had to succumb to the insistence of the two teenagers and stay in the water, trying to follow the instructions from a way-too-amused Shinpachi and avoid Kagura's cannonball dives.

They let him go only after a couple of hours and Gin slumped on the towel, exhausted. Those two brats were able to drain him of all his energy. What a couple of gremlins. He kept watching them as they splashed and ran on the beach, maybe they could have done things like that a little more often, they seemed to have fun and it wasn't so bad to get away from the city every now and then.

Kagura and Shinpachi realized Gin was watching them and ran towards him, then threw themselves on their towels as well.

«Why are you smiling? What were you thinking about?»

Gin shook his head. «Nothing special. It's a beautiful day, isn't it?»

They spent a few more hours at the beach, during which the two teenagers managed to drag Gin into a water balloon battle. Dry again, they gathered their things and headed for the hotel. It was then that they realized something was wrong: they could see a column of smoke rising from their destination general direction and it was too much to be a party bonfire. As they approached, the situation became clearer and clearer: the building was completely on fire. They began to run, but the road was blocked by a man they had seen from time to time at the hotel. Shinpachi remembered that for some reason he had immediately made a bad impression on him, he had not liked that guy at all. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Gin's nod, so he grabbed Kagura and together they ran to the hotel to help the other guests. Behind them, they heard that Gin and his opponent had begun to fight.

During the duel Gintoki had tried to restrain himself, he didn't care about killing that guy, he just wanted him to get out of his way. When he finally managed to knock him out, he turned back to the hotel and could see that the flames had taken over.

He began to scan his surroundings.

He couldn't see Shinpachi and Kagura anywhere.

A horrible feeling began to make its way into his mind. He was about to run and call them, when he felt a sudden pain in his leg: his opponent had recovered and without getting up from the ground he had hit his thigh. Gin turned around just in time to see the ronin charge, he avoided another hit to the side and they resumed fighting.

The silver-haired samurai began to pursue his opponent who for the first time in years was afraid. The man in front of him was very different from the one he had fought just seconds before: the man from before had tried to free himself in order to continue his run, he had another goal, he didn't care about fighting; the man in front of him at that moment emanated an icy fury. The ronin felt that he was nothing more than an annoying obstacle to him, something that had to be crushed because he had stood between him and his objective. The only thing he saw before he died was the glare of the flames reflected sinisterly in his opponent's eyes.

Gintoki came to his senses and looked at the corpse lying at his feet. He shook his head and turned his attention back to the fire-torn building, the flames almost extinguished, but he still couldn't see his companions. He approached the group of traumatized people who had escaped the fire and began to scan them one by one, while the bad feeling he had before started crawling again in his mind.

«Where are they?» he asked the owner of the hotel point blank. She gave him a confused look, after a moment she seemed to recognize him and understood who he was looking for. Gin saw the woman's eyes fill with horror and sadness. She hadn't seen them. She thought they were behind them, but once they got out she hadn't seen them come out of the building. The samurai felt the ground give way under his feet, let go of the woman and walked briskly towards the ruins.

He had to find them.

Maybe they were trapped.

He had to get them out of there.

They couldn't ...

Someone grabbed him by the arm and tried to stop him. The silver-haired man did not even notice and continued to walk undaunted. Other people joined, all trying to stop him, trying to make him understand that entering the hotel at that moment would have been a suicide: the structure was unstable and could have collapsed at any moment. The look Gin gave them was so full of anger and despair that those present found themselves taking a step back. He ran away from them at full speed and entered the building.

***

Otose found herself running a hand through the man's silver hair. When he had appeared alone that morning and walked into the apartment without saying a word, she had felt the world collapse on her. What could possibly have happened? They had only gone on vacation a few days. From what they had told her, the task they had been given was very simple: the owners of a hotel outside Edo had heard about the Yorozuya from a friend of Otose's and had hired them to protect their daughter from a parvenu brat who pestered her. Scaring him a little should have been enough to solve the situation, after which they could enjoy a practically free vacation. The idea had thrilled the kids, who had started making plan after plan. They hadn't been to the beach in ages and their excitement was palpable. Gin had put on an annoyed expression, complaining about the noise they were making and threatening them to leave them at home, but Otose could clearly see the amused grin he was hiding from them, completely oblivious to his threats.

In that moment they were surrounded by silence.

She had joined Gin a few minutes after he arrived and found him lying on the sofa, one arm covering his face. She sat down beside his head and remained silent. It was Gintoki himself who made up his mind to talk to her and explained what had happened in short, concise sentences: in the hotel he had found nothing but a few bodies made unrecognizable by the fire. He had kept searching, refusing to accept that Shinpachi and Kagura had died like that, then he had found Kagura's umbrella, or what was left of it, next to the corpses of two people. Or what was left of them. Otose asked no questions. She was aware of the effort the samurai had just made to tell her those things, further insisting would not have helped. She too, after all, was shocked to discover that she would never see those two pests again, but she tried to be stoic: she wasn't worried about herself in that moment.

It was then that she had started stroking the samurai's hair, trying to provide some sort of silent comfort that she knew would never be enough. She watched him stiffen for a moment, then relax and let her do. Otose could see the man's tears despite his arm brought to his face. She pretended she saw nothing. She wasn't even sure what she could do, that proud and stubborn young man had already been through so much in his thirty years of life that she had found herself hoping he'd finally found some peace. Those two gremlins seemed to have managed to break through and Gin had seemed much happier... now they too had been taken away from him.

***

«Gintoki! Open this door! You've been lazing around for more than two weeks now. Come out of there!» The old woman had returned to the charge. At first she had left him alone, understanding that the man needed to process what had happened in his own way. After the first week, not seeing him react, she had tried to convince him to get out by trying to talk to him, then offering him tasks as Yorozuya and eventually she had started screaming and demanding to receive payment for the rent.

Gin's door had never opened.

A few more days of peace followed in which Otose simply had let food for him outside of his shoji three times a day, after knocking to signal her presence. Gin was pretty sure it wasn't really the old woman bringing him food every day, but that she had instructed Tama to make sure he ate. When the food was returned untouched for three days in a row, Otose had decided she had no intention of putting up with him any more and had started screaming at his door again. Gintoki was doing his best to ignore her.

«Gin» Otose's tone had suddenly changed. «I understand how you feel. I miss those two kids too, but it's not starving that you will bring them back. Listen...»

The man jumped up, grabbed his bokken and headed for the door.

He didn't want to listen.

He didn't want to listen, he didn't want to talk, he didn't want to think.

He had to get out of that stifling apartment.

He opened the door with a sudden movement, finding himself in front of the amazed gaze of his landlady.

«I'm going out. You can stop worrying, old woman. Find something else to do.» He didn't look her in the face, just closed the door behind him and rushed down the stairs.

He had to get away from there.

He didn't know for how long he had walked, he had moved almost by inertia, relying on the need to get away from everyone. He only stopped when he found a stall, maybe he could have a drink.

***

He felt like his head was going to explode. He ran a hand through his hair and began rubbing his temple. What had happened?

He remembered leaving the house and stopping at a kiosk. He also remembered drinking more sakè than he should have and that someone had brought him home, but he just couldn't remember whom. He sat up and looked around, next to the futon there was a tray with breakfast. Whoever brought him home clealry went to Otose to explain what had happened, so this time Tama had brought the food to his room.

He was under the impression that if he refused to eat again, the robot waitress would be ordered to force feed him, using a funnel if necessary. He sighed and grabbed the bowl of miso soup, finished the soup and rice, tried to get up, staggered to the front door and left the tray outside. Tama would surely come back for it. He changed his mind and popped a tamagoyaki into his mouth before closing the door and heading for the living room.

He dropped onto the sofa and started leafing through Jump, but fell asleep after a few pages.

Upon awakening, Gintoki could not immediately understand what time of day it was. He glanced out the window, was it noon? Afternoon maybe?

He glanced at the clock and realized it was just past lunch time, the new tray left by Tama was still outside the door.

He finished the curry rice and fed Sadaharu, who just looked at the bowl. The dog looked restless. For the past two weeks it had always been Otose through Tama or Catherine who had looked after the huge animal. He had continued to take his usual walks and eat regularly, but more than once Gin had caught him sniffing inside the closet looking for Kagura or lying in front of the door waiting for his owner to return.

The silver-haired man went to retrieve the leash. He was sick of lying in that apartment, a walk would do them both good.

***

Walking with Sadaharu became a habit, or almost. On the days when he was feeling better, Gin would make an effort to look after the big white dog, go to Otose's bar or to the park to talk to Hasegawa. He hadn't seen Otae yet, but he figured she too was trying to cope as much as possible with the loss of her brother. She too was left alone after all. At times he thought he had seen her on the streets of Kabuki-chō, headed for work, but he still hadn't had the courage to approach her: if Shinpachi had died, it was his fault. It was he who had failed to protect him. He wouldn't be surprised if she hated him. Surely she didn't want to have anything to do with him.

Then there were days when any gesture seemed to require too much energy, whether it was washing himself, eating or walking Sadaharu, in those days getting out of the futon seemed like an impossible mission. So he would lie under the covers sleeping or staring apathetically at the wall, disgusted by himself.

***

_The school was on fire. His house was on fire. Flames devoured the building, tinging the sky with eerie shades of orange. He was losing everything. He found himself screaming and crying, lying on the ground, helpless, as the school disappeared before his eyes and was replaced by a hotel, also on fire. The hotel was slowly falling to ashes. The stench of burnt wood mixed with that of the bodies of the people who had failed to escape the disaster. Gin tried to move, but his body seemed to weigh a ton. Why couldn't he move? He had to get Kagura and Shinpachi out before it was too late._

_He couldn't help but scream all his frustration as the heat of the flames and that hellish smell hit him._

The samurai woke up suddenly and sat down, his heart was racing and his forehead was covered in sweat. The abrupt movement awakened pangs of pain all over his body and he brought his hands to his face as his head throbbed.

It was the fifth time in a row that he had that dream.

When his breathing had calmed down a bit, Gin lifted his pajama shirt to look at the bruises he'd gotten the night before. In those days he had continued gambling and drinking to try and clear that nightmare from his mind, at least for a few hours. He didn't quite remember what had happened, but he knew he'd had a fight with someone the night before.

Had he provoked anyone?

Or had someone provoked him?

Or was it about the money of a bet?

He couldn't really remember, but he knew that in that moment it was truly liberating to be able to take out his anger and frustration on someone else. That nightmare was driving him crazy, he seemed to want to remind him of his failure.

He hadn't been able to protect anyone. What kind of samurai was he?

He had lost his family once before and now he had lost it again. His weakness was a shame.

The image of the fire came back to his mind and he gagged as the smell of burning flesh came out of the nightmare to overwhelm him. He quickly made his way to the bathroom and threw up what little was left in his stomach.

***

He had fallen asleep on the couch with a copy of Jump resting on his face. Sadaharu was staring sadly at him from the corner of the room. The big furry dog seemed to have not yet realized that his owner would not return, even though it had been weeks.

Or maybe he had figured it out, but he just couldn't get over it.

Who knew what was going on in that dog's head.

Gin sat up, emptied the sakè bottle he had left on the table before falling asleep, and walked out again, determined to wander around the city long enough to be so tired to fall into a dreamless sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

«You idiot» he heard murmuring for the umpteenth time. «What did you think you were doing?»  
The samurai could hear Otose's concern hidden behind her angry tone. «Put him there» she ordered Catherine and Tama, kicking a couple of empty bottles lying on the floor. «Catherine, fix this pigsty a little. Tama, help him undress and throw him in the tub, while I look for some bandages and disinfectant.»

Gin's reflexes were too slow and he only realized what was happening once Tama dropped him into the water. It was a rude awakening: the robot had not waited for the water to reach an acceptable temperature and the sudden cold had abruptly awakened the silver-haired man.

«Are you crazy?! Are you trying to kill me?!» he yelled in shock, adding hot water.

Tama watched him for a moment. «Mental and physical faculties restored.»

«Restored my ass, do you have any idea how cold this water was?»

«Do I have to wash you?»

Gin shrank in the furthest corner of the tub from her. «No! I can do it!»

«All right» the girl replied, sitting down on a chair, and kept staring at him.

«...hey. Are you going to stay here all the time?»

«According to my records, if humans suffer physical damage equal to yours, they have a good chance of losing consciousness. Also according to my data, I don't think Otose-sama would be satisfied with my job if I let you drown in the bathtub.»

They looked at each other for a moment in complete silence. «Some things shouldn't be done in public, I need privacy.»

«You can do whatever you want. I am a robot, I have no interest whatsoever in the biological functions of human bodies. You can wash yourself without problems.»

Gin complained softly for a while, but finally he made up his mind and started washing himself, turning away from her. Once he finished, he wrapped a towel around his waist and with a second one he dried his hair and torso. Every inch of his body hurt and some of his wounds were starting to bleed again. Now that he was naked and clean, he realized how disastrous the situation looked like: he was covered in big purple bruises and cuts. His ribs hurt a lot too and he struggled to stand without leaning against the wall. Did he break something? No, he had done worse in the past. The throbbing headache didn't help him manage the situation... how much had he drunk? He ran a hand through his hair. Was that a bump? He staggered towards the living room, Tama close behind. He mentally thanked that the robot had decided not to pick him up, he still had a shred of dignity to protect.

In the other room, Otose was waiting for him with a stern frown. The old woman was on a war footing. Gin couldn't help but feel guilty and embarrassed, a bit like when as a child you were caught breaking a neighbour's window with a ball or stealing fruit from one of their plants. Only this time it wasn't child's play and he knew the landlady's anger would not go away easily. Every remaining doubt disappeared when, as soon as he sat on the sofa, Otose began to disinfect his wounds with more strength than necessary, making him groan.

«Hey old woman, you could be a little more gentle!» he protested, trying to ease the tension. The death-glare she shot at him made him fall silent.

«Are you going to start all over again? Do you want to go back to being the same foolish idiot I picked up at the cemetery? Drinking, gambling, fighting... you were never a role model, but you seemed to have finally grown up. I feel like I've gone back eight years. Are you in such a hurry to get yourself killed? Do you think those two kids would be happy?»

Gin didn't answer and just looked away. He knew the old woman was right and he also knew how long it had taken him to get out of that self-destructive spiral the first time, he just didn't know if he had the strength to do it again.

He had let everyone down for the second time.

He had lost his family for the second time.

He hadn't been able to protect anything and that thought was eating him alive from the inside, day after day.

And then there was that nightmare.

The stench of burning flesh, the screams... now he was afraid to close his eyes at night, afraid to see those scenes again and again, as if once had not been enough. The numbness that caught him during the day was enough to take away any initiative from him, but he could not keep his thoughts away for long. Then he had started gambling and drinking again to distract himself, it had worked for a while.

Just for a while.

One day that too had stopped working and he had got involved in a fight, then another one and another one. Most of the time it wasn't even he who started it, but someone who was offended by a sarcastic joke or who had lost their temper after losing money gambling or who was just drunk. Gin never started it, but he certainly didn't hold back. It was a way to let off steam and a punishment at the same time.

The night before had been rough though: he was drunk, as always in the last few days, he had accidentally bumped into a guy who had decided to take it personally, under the pretext that "the guy with the perm" had tried to rob him. A bouncer from the club they were in had noticed the growing tension and separated them, kicking out the troublemaker.

Gin had met him later, after leaving the club, in one of the dark streets of Kabuki-chō. The guy was not alone, six of them attacked him, but the samurai was not the type to be beaten so easily. Despite the fumes of alcohol, he and his bokken were able to fight against those six idiots long enough to get closer to a better illuminated part of the district. Too bad it was too little too late, he was too slow in noticing the man behind him armed with a bottle and was not able to avoid the direct blow to his head. Due to the instability given by alcohol, he lost his balance and another of his attackers took the opportunity to hit him in the leg with a stick found nearby, causing him to fall to the ground. He tried to cover his head with his arms, while a shower of kicks hit him on his abdomen, on his ribs, on his back. When he finally had enough, he grabbed his bokken and used all his remaining strength and focus to knock out his opponents. He then dragged himself along the streets of the district, leaning against the walls of the buildings, until he reached the threshold of Otose's bar. There his legs finally gave up and he sprawled on the ground under the rain, unable to get up due to the alcohol and the injuries. It had been there and in those conditions that the three women had found him. At the time they had simply checked quickly that he was not seriously injured and let him sleep. Now it was time for the scolding.

The old woman was right, but the only thing he felt at that moment was a huge emptiness that he did not know how to deal with, combined with the knowledge that he was the cause of the death of two teenagers whose only mistake had been to trust him.

But letting go like that wasn't worthy of a samurai.

It was time to start acting like one again.

***

Time to start behaving like a samurai again.

What an idiot he had been.

A bitter laugh rolled over his lips as he watched the shihō still in front of him. His mind went back to what had just happened.

He had made up his mind.

It was true what old Otose said, his behaviour was no longer acceptable. He had to put an end to that kind of farce.

He had walked with a firm step towards the closet. Although years had passed, he had kept both the daishō and the tantō in a drawer that was never opened, under layers of old clothes. His gaze had lingered for a moment on his wakizashi, the short sword he had carried for a long time along with the katana, but it had moved quickly to the tantō. The dagger would have been more than enough. He had put the tantō on the shihō that he had placed in his room and started to change his clothes. He had put on white clothes and sat down in front of the little table where he had placed the dagger.

He had remained in contemplation for a moment.

He had made sure that both the shoji and fusuma were closed. The timing was also perfect: it was the time of the day when Otose's bar had more clients and Tama had already brought him dinner, so none of the three women would go to his apartment that night. In the past few days he hadn't even seen any of his friends and acquaintances, he was pretty sure none of them would suddenly appear knocking at his door. Sighing, he had brought the tantō to the height of his abdomen, on the left. He had just begun to cut into the skin, when an incredibly high-pitched yelp caught his attention and, looking up, he saw the silhouette of Sadaharu on the other side of the door. Gin shook his head and returned to focus on the process. Sadaharu, realizing that the samurai was ignoring him, whined again and hit the fusuma with one of his paws. Maybe he had understood what was happening Maybe the man was just auto-suggesting, but he couldn't help but think that Sadaharu himself was begging him not to do it. He had already lost his young owner, he didn't want to lose someone else.

The one who had once been known as the White Demon had lowered his head, ignoring the animal's heartbreaking wail. In his head the image of Kagura's smiling face and Shinpachi's judgemental but amused gaze had appeared out of nowhere. He felt pain in his chest and a lump in his throat.

What else could he do?

He could no longer bear the pain, the guilt, and the emptiness his friends had left.

He couldn't do it this time.

Not again.

He had sunk the tip of the tantō half a centimetre into his belly and it was at this point that Sadaharu had hit the fusuma of the room with his head down. The big dog had stopped in front of him and he had started sniffing him, as if he was trying to figure out what exactly the problem was. Sadaharu made him drop the dagger and started sniffing his face, then he rubbed his big hairy head against Gintoki's chest.

Gin had let his arms fall to his sides, hands now empty.

The samurai put a hand on his face and broke into a bleak laughter: he had not even been able to end it. He had been stopped by a dog. Was his determination so weak? How could a man who clearly should have died nearly ten years before have gotten that far? Maybe that was why he had survived, he was nothing but a coward, after all.

***

«What have you done?!» the story of his attempted seppuku had spread quickly. After his failure, Gin had not cleaned up the room and had simply fallen asleep on the floor, leaning against Sadaharu's side, who since that evening seemed to have decided to be his guardian. The next day, when Catherine entered his apartment complaining and snorting at being forced to do something “Tama should do”, she had seen the disastrous state of Gintoki's door and room. It goes without saying that Otose had understood everything in the exact moment the ex-thief had told her what she had seen. The old woman had rushed upstairs like a fury and she had started beating him with everything she had at hand. Sadaharu hadn't moved a single muscle that time. Apparently, he thought Gin deserved that punishment. He seemed almost amused. The silver-haired man could have sworn he saw a smug expression on the animal's muzzle, like a canine “you asked for it”.

Gintoki wasn't able to say how the word had spread, but at that moment there was a particularly agitated Hasegawa sitting on his sofa, busy grilling him.

«What the hell is going through your head? Are you crazy?» the man with the sunglasses began. The samurai gave him a blank look and didn't answer. The friend sighed. «Listen, I can only imagine how difficult this moment is for you, but you can't...»

«Haven't you tried several times to hang yourself?» interrupted him the man with the silver hair.

«Well… yes, but… I'm still here, right? It was you who taught me that there is always something worth fighting for. You can't throw in the towel like this.»

«Throw in the towel? To throw in the towel, you need to have a purpose. If you don't have one, you can't even quit. Your goal is to find a job and get your wife back. The fact that you have not yet succeeded is entirely on you and your lack of commitment. What would mine be? For some time now the samurai have no longer had a purpose in this Country and it is time to accept it, without clinging to excuses and justifications to delay the inevitable.»

Hasegawa shook his head. «That wasn't what I meant,» his friend's words had hurt him, but he had no intention of complaining, it was not the time. «I know your situation and mine have nothing in common and I can't even imagine what you feel right now. What I meant is that it's not true that you don't have a purpose. And it's not true that you are alone, Gin. I know we haven't been there as much as we should have recently, but... you still have friends out there, a family. Don't you think it's worth living for them?» he said getting up and heading for the door. «Don't do anything stupid.»

«Hasegawa...» Gin began, without looking at him.

The madao smiled. «Don't worry, I know. See you around, ok?» he replied before leaving.

«He's right, you know?» said a voice behind him. Someone had entered and had waited until that moment to speak.

Gin turned towards him with a smug smile. «Since when are you against seppuku, oh Rampaging Noble?»

The friend ignored his sarcasm and stepped forward. «I'm not against it.»

«So what is it? Are you angry because I didn't call you as kaishakunin?»

«You can try to provoke me all you want, Gintoki, it won't work. And even if you had asked me, I would have refused» Katsura answered, sitting down on the sofa. The silver-haired samurai looked at his friend with undisguised surprise, he didn't expect that kind of response from Zura.

The jōi smiled, guessing what Gin's thoughts were. «You see, I understand seppuku when you don't want to fall into the hands of the enemy, when you want to save your honour or when it is imposed as a punishment. Your case does not fit into any of these options.»

«Munenbara is quite common» replied the other in a flat tone.

Zura raised an eyebrow. «Suicide for regret? Gintoki, you've never been the kind of man who kills himself for grief. I've seen my fair share of seppukunin and you... well, you're the last person I'd expect such a gesture from. Especially in peacetime. And then... what would you regret? Did you put them in danger on purpose? Did you give them tasks they couldn't handle? Did they want out and you made them follow you or obey you? Did you run away, abandoning them to their fate, or did you refuse to fight?»

The samurai shook his head without looking up, waving his messy hair.

«No, in fact if I know you, and after all this time I think I do, I believe you have done everything in your power to defeat your enemy and protect them.»

Silence fell between the two men. It was Gintoki who started talking again after a while.

«If they hadn't come, if I had left them at home...»

«They would have followed you. I had the opportunity to meet them and those two kids had a dedication that sometimes I struggle to find even among my men. They wouldn't approve of your decision at all.» He paused and smiled. «Moreover a man I once knew told me that if I had time to fantasize about a beautiful death, I should have spent that time thinking how to live beautifully until the end.»

«Beautifully, huh? He was such an idiot, that guy.»

«Yeah, a real idiot.»

In the following days, Zura and Hasegawa's were not the only visits he received. All of his friends, from Tsukuyo to Sacchan went to visit him. Not that they hadn't tried before, but Gin never gave them the chance to talk to him or meet him. Kondo, Hijikata and Sōgo had also tried to contact him, they were following a lead that had crossed with the events that had led to the fire of the hotel where Shinpachi, Kagura and Gin were, but the man had not been able to give them any particular information. But the visit that surprised him the most was Otae's, he was sure that he was the last person she wanted to see, instead in that moment the girl sat in front of him, a sad smile on her face. Since the first time he met her, Otae had almost always smiled.

«You didn't expect to see me, did you?»

Gintoki shook his head, still puzzled.

«I would have come sooner, but everyone told me I shouldn't because you would have thought of my brother and...» his voice faded, she just gave him an eloquent look. She hesitated, then spoke again. «I miss him, I think you are the only one who can understand how much I miss him. But I think Shinpachi never wanted us to stop living our lives. I don't think Kagura would have wanted that either. I know you think I hate you, at first I thought so too, but I don't, Shinpachi and I grew up together and I knew Kagura. I always knew they would follow you everywhere… » she paused and pulled an envelope from her bag. «I found these, I thought you would like to see them.» Inside the envelope there were some photos of Shinpachi training in their dōjō or in full Otsū fan outfit. Gintoki found himself smiling in spite of everything when he saw a photo of Shinpachi running desperately from Kagura on Sadaharu's back. He remembered that day: they were training along the river and Gin had sprawled on the grass as usual, saying that Shinpachi should have trained his reflexes and his speed. Kagura's demonic smile at those words had triggered the events immortalized in the photo. He thought for a moment and then an idea came to him. «I have to show you something too» he said, starting to rummage behind the sign above the desk. He took out a thick envelope full of pictures and handed it to his friend. They spent the afternoon among photos and funny anecdotes, in the end Gin had to admit to himself that at that moment it didn't hurt so much to think about them.

Those visits became a habit. Of course none of them visited him every day, but he had started going out with Sadaharu again, going to Otose's bar, stopping to talk to Zura and Hasegawa and every now and then he received visits from Tsukuyo and Otae. Tsukuyo brought him news from Yoshiwara and gifts from Hinowa, sometimes she was also accompanied by Seita; with Otae he often talked about Shinpachi and Kagura, remembering all the shenanigans made together. These actions cost him some effort, but he had decided to try living his life on the days when he felt good.

The bad days weren't completely gone. There were still times when he couldn't get up from his futon and could not do anything but lie in his own room, with the pain of the loss and the guilt overwhelming him in waves. In those days, Sadaharu would crouch beside him and stay close to him, trying to bring him some comfort with his company. Sometimes he got visits in those days, at first his friends and Otose had tried to shake him, but they had quickly given up, just staying with him in silence. Bad days came suddenly, like a tsunami, and brought with them memories and thoughts that Gin did not want to relive and that did not subside even with the arrival of night. On the contrary, the night made everything worse, closing his chest in a vice and showing him what he had lost. What he liked to talk about with Otae during the day became a series of deafening thoughts at night that he tried to drown in sakè.

***

That was definitely a bad day, he'd been drinking a lot the night before and his head felt like it was about to explode. Had it been up to him, he would have spent the day curled up on Sadaharu or in the futon, but Otae seemed particularly excited that day. Gin thought that she was definitely reacting much better than him ... maybe because guilt didn't keep her awake at night or maybe that was simply her way to avoid thinking too much. The girl had called Otose and begged her to convince Gin to get up and make himself presentable, this had led to an attempted siege by old Otose: first she went to knock on his door herself, then she sent Tama and finally she unleashed Catherine, who, however, had quickly given up, not interested in wrestling with his stubbornness. Gin then exploited the opportunity to go back to his futon with his typical black shirt already on, but still with his pyjama trousers. Who knows why Otae had called so hyped…


	3. Chapter 3

Shinpachi looked out the Shinsengumi car window. They were finally going back home! After more than a month! He couldn't believe it!

«Hey Kagura-chan! What will be the first thing you do as soon as we arrive?»

«Eat until I explode» the girl replied without batting an eye. Shinpachi laughed, was it possible that his friend could only think about food?

«We'll have to take you to headquarters first. You will need to give a statement. After that we will take you to Shimura's home» Hijikata said without bothering to give further explanations.

Kagura didn't like the answer at all. «Shinpachi's house? But I want to go home. Why do I have to go to Shinpachi's?»

«His sister will tell you everything.»

Shinpachi began to feel uncomfortable. What did that mean? Hijikata had never been much of a talker, but he clearly wanted to avoid questions at any cost. What was happening? Why couldn't Kagura go straight back to Yorozuya?

«Has something happened to Gin-san?» he asked point blank. He received no answer. Kagura and Shinpachi exploded in unison. «Why are you not answering?» «What happened?» «Why does my sister have to explain it to us? Why can't you do it?» «Why can't I go home? Where's Gin-chan?»

«That's enough!» Hijikata barked. «You've been missing for over a month! What do you think happened? What do you think everyone thought?»

The two teenagers stopped, a frozen silence spread in the car as they assimilated what the Shinsengumi officer had just said.

They had been missing for over a month.

They had been so elated at the idea of finally going back home that they hadn't stopped to think about the implications of their disappearance. They hadn't had a chance to contact their family. Nobody knew what had happened to them.

The last time Gin had seen them, they were locked in a burning hotel.

A cold shiver ran down their spine.

They thought they were dead.

They waited for ages before giving their statement. Or so it seemed to them. They wanted to run home to tell Otae and Gin that they were still alive, their nervousness and impatience were tangible, they even infected the Shinsengumi agents who orbited around them with fake nonchalance to keep an eye on them.

Finally Kondo called them.

Shinpachi glanced at the clock on the wall and was stunned to see that they had actually been waiting for only ten minutes.

«All right, guys. Now you have to tell us everything.» Kondo noticed their impatience. «I know this is the last place you want to be, but your testimony is essential to finally be able to close this case.»

Shinpachi and Kagura began to tell quickly in every detail what had happened, adding to each other's speech. The sooner they finished, the sooner they would be free to leave.

It all started to go wrong after they brought the girl back to her family, after that rich brat who was pestering her had tried to kidnap her. The mission was practically over and they could enjoy the rest of their free vacation before going back to Edo. But something strange had happened in the hotel: a guy they had seen other times in the previous days had begun to observe them insistently. In the beginning Shinpachi had thought he was being too paranoiac, but he had noticed that Gintoki seemed a lot more cautious too.

The stranger, Kondo informed them, was a ronin who had fought in the war against the Amanto and who had begun to use the hotel they were staying in as a HQ for meetings with his allies. The man was probably alerted because he recognized Gin as the famous White Demon; he knew that he had given up fighting after the end of the war, moreover it was rumoured that Shiroyasha had switched sides: he had been seen fighting alongside Katsura against the Kiheitai and against some of its members even alongside the dogs of Bakufu. The ronin could not understand which side the samurai was on, but he had a hard time believing that he was there by chance. He had decided that Gintoki knew of their presence and was there to ruin their plans.

Gin for his part was hoping that he would not bother them so he could continue to ignore him and enjoy their vacation. Obviously he hoped in vain.

The ronin had decided that Gin was a threat and to confront him. He had heard the legends, but for some reason he was sure they were just that, legends. In the meantime, his men had been ordered to burn all the evidence of their stay in that hotel. The Yorozuya had noticed the flames while returning from the beach and had started running towards the building, intending to help during the evacuation, when the ronin had appeared in front of them. The man had started to rant and the three friends had tried to convince him that they weren't there for him, but it was all for nothing. In the end Gin, impatient, had motioned to the two teenagers to go on, he would take care of that annoyance.

Shinpachi and Kagura had reached the burning building and immediately started helping the people on the run, then went into the hotel to check that no one was left behind. The choice turned out to be more stupid than they thought, as the building's structure began to collapse, blocking their way out. The poor visibility, the new obstacles and the smoke had turned the hotel into a death trap, shortly Kagura and Shinpachi had run out of oxygen and passed out.

The next day they woke up tied up and gagged in the base of what Kondo had now revealed them to be a group of terrorists, apparently they had been carried away through a tunnel which was accessed from the hotel cellar. They had heard them argue heatedly because their leader, who the two friends had deduced was the ronin who had blocked their way, seemed to have disappeared following his fight with the White Demon. Shinpachi thought that if their leader had fought against Gin he was probably dead or in the hands of Shinsengumi by then, but he was careful not to share it with their captors. They had been held captive by those men for more than a week, before beginning to understand what their plans were. The most popular proposal was to use them as a bargaining chip to get the boss back, or at least a sum of money. They had waited another week to figure out what the ronins routine was, and by the middle of the third they had managed to escape into the night. They had to admit that those terrorists weren't much if two kids, fed on bread and water for more than two weeks, had managed to escape under their noses. The young samurai had even managed to retrieve his wooden sword, while his friend's umbrella seemed to have remained at the hotel, probably it had fallen while the terrorists were carrying them. That night Kagura and Shinpachi had reached a village, they didn't remember seeing it on the way with Gin, but they were too tired and worn out to continue, so they snuck into a shed and fell aspleep.

The following morning they were found by the landlady, who took pity on them and allowed them to wash and feed themselves. A few days passed before Shinpachi and Kagura felt good enough to realize that they would have to find a way to contact their family in Edo and get picked up. Unfortunately, the village seemed not to have been touched by the "civilizing" wave of the Amanto, making contact with the outside world impossible or extremely difficult: telephone coverage was almost nil, the internet was only a vague chimera, and the post office had as only means of transport a half-smashed moped that threatened to leave the postman stranded halfway between there, wherever there was, and Edo. Still more days had to pass before the landlady allowed the two teenagers to leave to go home. They weren't sure where they were, so they asked for directions for the nearest town. The lady did not agree at all, but they had been away from home for more than a month now and could not wait any longer. It was on their return trip that they met the Shinsengumi patrols who, following their own independent trail, ended up hunting down the same terrorists who had captured the two friends. Once Hijikata had updated them on the latest events, he had brought them back to Edo to make a statement at the Shinsengumi headquarters.

Once they finished their story and received permission to go, Shinpachi and Kagura jumped off their chairs and ran outside, but the Demon Vice Commander tackled them and brought them both to Otae's, despite Kagura's complaints.

Otae's happiness in seeing them alive and well made the young yato's annoyance at least partially subside. She was also updated about their adventures and after Otae got tired of hugging Shinpachi to death, they were both allowed to go to the Yorozuya, even if they didn't understand Otae's insistence on absolutely wanting to make a phone call before they headed out. The only thing the boy with the glasses could understand was that his sister was for some reason particularly irritated by the outcome of the call.

«That idiot doesn't answer» the girl snorted. «It's since when Hijikata called to say that they had found you and you were at the headquarters that we try to contact that idle samurai, but he doesn't answer the phone. I asked Otose to check that he wasn't still asleep, but...» she pouted.

«Did you tell her we're back?»

«No, at this point it is better for you to go.»

«Sister...» Shinpachi began hesitantly. «Why were we both brought here? Why couldn't Kagura-chan go directly to Yorozuya?»

Otae looked at them for a moment. Hiding the truth from them wouldn't do any good, they had to be prepared. She sighed. «This month has been difficult. We all... we all thought you were dead. It was hard to come to terms with it, to get used to the idea that you would never come back home, that you would never criticize my cooking again, that you would never use our dōjō or ... participate in those absurd meetings for Otsū again. Or that I would never see Kagura-chan destroy half the city on Sadaharu's back» Otae laughed, but the two friends could see her eyes get damp. She took a deep breath. «But there was work and debts and clients… I tried to focus on my schedule and live one day at a time. I kept leaving the house for errands, to go to the Snack Smile and... Oryō and Kyūbei helped me get through the worst moments, but...» she stopped for a moment, looking for the best way to express herself «for Gin it's been different. He... isolated himself. We tried to talk to him, but we only recently succeeded. He's not well, you have to be ready.»

Shinpachi remained silent: he didn't like his sister's hints at all, why was she so vague? Otae wasn't the type of person to beat about the bush. What was she not telling him? He glanced at Kagura who didn't seem to have caught anything alarming, but he wasn't too surprised.

«Sister, I am sorry for all you have been through because of me and I am happy that you have been able to count on Oryō and Kyūbei. I'll make it up to you.» Otae laughed. «Yes, you will definitely have to make it up for being kidnapped.»

They arrived in front of Otose's bar almost in a hurry, they were about to run up the stairs, when they felt someone grab them by the collar from behind and a hoarse voice addressed them. «Hey brats, where do you think you're going?»

The teenagers turned around and saw the landlady standing behind them. They automatically bowed to apologize for how worried everyone had been. They shot out excuses and explanations, mortified. Old Otose laughed and interrupted them. «I get it, I get it. I am happy that you are well and managed to come back. This place has been far too quiet for the past month. I guess you want to run to that slacker who lives upstairs» she said with a smile, preceding them and entering the house.

As soon as Shinpachi and Kagura set foot in the house, they had confirmation that something was wrong. The apartment was clean, but it seemed left to itself, some things were too tidy, it was as if whoever lived there was using the rooms as little as possible. Kagura wrinkled her nose. «Shinpachi... I don't like this» the boy with the glasses didn't have time to answer that a furry mountain pounced on them, whining and jumping like crazy.

«Sadaharu!» Kagura shrieked in ecstasy as they tried to get up after being run over by the dog. «You worried, right? Sorry, puppy» the young girl laughed. «Look, Shinpachi, he is wagging his tail so much that it will come off.»

After they managed to calm down Sadaharu, they started looking for Gin. They found him asleep in the futon, half dressed and half still in pyjamas. They tried to get closer and wake him up, they called him a couple of times, but the man just groaned and turned away, in doing so a whiff of alcohol hit the two teenagers who turned to Otose.

«Okay, can someone tell us what's going on?»

«Losing you hit him hard, guys. You will have to keep an eye on him for a while» the woman said, then she took another puff of her cigarette and left them alone.

«Look, Shinpachi» Kagura whispered as she lifted the blanket slightly. The boy immediately understood what she was trying to show him. The half-open shirt revealed a disturbing number of purple marks and healing wounds that Shinpachi was sure weren't there when they last saw him at the beach. The shadow of a bruise was still visible even on one of the sleeping man's cheekbones. Kagura reached out and touched one of the samurai's cheeks with her fingers. «You're such a fool, Gin-chan» she whispered. «What do we do now?»

Shinpachi handed her a blanket and placed a second one on the floor next to the futon, then sat on it. «We wait» he replied, pushing back the lump that had formed in his throat and grabbing Gin's hand. Kagura nodded and followed suit.

***

The first thing he noticed when he woke up was that one of his arms felt numb. Did Sadaharu fall asleep again with his muzzle on him? He moved his fingers. Did he have something in his hand?

He suddenly remembered that he heard some hustle and bustle that morning... or did he have to say that afternoon? But maybe it was just another delusional dream, after all he thought he heard the voices of Shinpachi and Kagura and he had already repeatedly dreamed of them getting back to Yorozuya safe and sound... he let out a trembling sigh. When would it be over? Why did he have to keep seeing them every time he allowed himself to sleep? Wasn't it enough that he missed them when he was awake? Finally he made up his mind, opened his eyes and moved his head. Whatever was leaning on his left shoulder moved. «Gin-chan? Are you awake?» his heart skipped a beat. Kagura? He sat up abruptly, raising the protests of the red-haired girl, who had fallen asleep with her head on his shoulder, and of Shinpachi, who had fallen asleep on the other side beside him. They were both holding his hands. So he did hear them, but how was that possible? How could they be there? How could they be alive? Did he go crazy and start hallucinating? He felt the kids let go of his hands. Shinpachi got up to turn on the light, while Kagura grumbled, rubbing her eyes.

«Gin-san?» the boy with glasses asked worriedly, approaching cautiously, as if he were afraid to scare him. The man stood up and looked from one to the other, while Kagura imitated him and approached Shinpachi. «Gin-san, are you okay?»

Gintoki took a few steps towards them and opened his mouth, but no sound came out. He came even closer and found himself touching their faces with his fingers.

They were there.

It wasn't some hallucination or dream.

They were there, in that room. Alive.

The silver-haired samurai felt his legs give way and fell to his knees in front of them. Both, alarmed, knelt down and started talking excitedly explaining what had happened in the last month, how they had been found by Shinsengumi and how both Kondo and Otae had tried to warn him in every way that morning. In the end they had only managed to warn Otose just before arriving at the Yorozuya, she too had discovered the truth only once she had met them.

«Gin-chan, please say something,» the young yato pleaded. «We tried to contact you in every way when we got free, but we didn't make it, we're sorry, we-»

Gintoki did not let her finish and hugged both of them, as if he was afraid of seeing them disappear at any moment.

«Gin-chan... don't cry» Kagura murmured seeing the tears begin to silently flow down the man's cheeks and squeezed him in return. «We're fine.»

Shinpachi smiled sadly and returned the hug. «It's okay, Gin-san. We are here now. We are home and everything will be fine.»

They didn't know how long they had remained in that position. The kids hadn't tried to end the hug, they had simply waited for Gin to calm down and decide to let them go. In the days that followed, they didn't lose sight of him for a moment, forcing him to eat, reducing alcohol and forcing him to start to work as Yorozuya again. For the time being, Shinpachi and Kagura had mutually agreed to pick cases that didn't get them out of Edo and that seemed harmless enough not to endanger them. It was hard enough to persuade Gintoki to take them with him with that kind of cases, had they chosen something more risky they were not at all sure that they would be able to convince him to let them participate.

Kagura also started going to Gin's room more often than she did before. They had worked with the samurai for a long time and they had realised that from time to time he still had nightmares related to the war against the Amanto. At first, when they noticed that he was starting to toss in his sleep, they tried to wake him up, but they only found out that after a rude awakening Gintoki was agitated and confused about where and when he was, so they stopped. Now when it happened they just waited for him to wake up and distract him, they were noisy by nature, it wasn't difficult. Shinpachi rarely stopped at night, but Kagura used to sneak into his room when she noticed the man was having a nightmare and snuggle up beside him in the futon, they had noticed that this way he woke up more relaxed and seemed not to remember the nightmares. Obviously they had never talked to him about all this, they understood what was going on putting the pieces together, time after time. They had decided not to ask him about it and were pretty sure he had noticed what they were doing, but he had never commented. They then assumed that their behaviour did not bother him and continued.

Since that mission, however, the nightmares seemed to have become more frequent, so the two kids made sure that at least one of them was always around when Gin fell asleep, whether it was day or night. They knew that sooner or later the nightmares would go away, they just had to have a little patience.

***

«You... what did you do?» Shinpachi hissed, his voice shaking with anger, shocked after discovering what everyone had been hiding from him and Kagura since they returned.

They had stopped by Otose's bar to say hello, and the situation had escalated when Tama, very quietly, remarked that it was a good thing that Gintoki had failed his attempted seppuku, as they had returned. Gintoki swallowed under Shinpachi's shocked look and the horror in Kagura's eyes. He knew what was going to happen: he was going to get hit. And badly. As if he had read his mind, the samurai with glasses punched him so hard that he sent Gintoki flying.

«SEPPUKU ?! I'LL GIVE YOU SEPPUKU, YOU STUPID IDIOT!» the boy yelled out of anger and grabbed him by the lapel of his kimono. «What is-» Shinpachi was interrupted and violently pushed aside by Kagura, who grabbed Gintoki in turn. «What is wrong with you, stupid permed samurai? Uh?!» shrieked the girl, shaking him. After some efforts, Gin finally managed to free himself and was about to reply when he saw the looks on their faces. They weren't really angry, they were just incredibly scared and the samurai realized how worried they must have been in those days: they had come back and found him lying in the futon smelling of alcohol, the bruises and the injuries still visible, he was clearly thinner, with deep dark circles under his eyes that had taken days to disappear. He also knew that they had noticed the nightmares had increased and were doing their best to help him handle them without making him feel bad or uncomfortable. He only realized then, however, that they felt somehow responsible for what he had been through. He approached them both cautiously. «I'm sorry» he only said. He saw the two teenagers' eyes fill with tears. How long had they been hiding their concern and trying to be strong for him? «It wasn't your fault, I was...» he shook his head and put on a forced light expression.

Shinpachi and Kagura didn't let him finish and hugged him. «You're an idiot, Gin-chan» Kagura whispered without letting him go. «What would we have done if you had succeeded and we had returned? What would I have done? I already told you, life without you wouldn't be fun, fishy-faced idiot.»

«I've already lost part of my family, Gin-san… my father, my mother, Hajime-nii… I don't want anything to happen to you too. Please, don't do something so stupid ever again» Shinpachi muttered, hiding his face in Gintoki's kimono.

«Oi, oi, come on, you two» he replied, placing a hand on their heads. «Nothing happened. You are fine and I am still here. I'll recover quickly, I promise, it takes a lot more to knock me out. But now we have to celebrate. The last one who arrives at the restaurant pays for dinner!» he said and he ran outside chased by Shinpachi and Kagura who were yelling that that was just unfair. Otose smiled from behind the counter, everything was finally back to normal.

«Come on, girls. Customers will be arriving soon.»

**Author's Note:**

> This is the timeline I rely on, taken from canon references and adapted a little bit (based on Gintoki's age):  
> \- 8 years old: Gintoki is found by Shōyō  
> \- 10/11 y.o.: Takasugi and Katsura arrive at Shoka Sonjuku  
> \- 16/17 y.o.: Shōyō is captured and the boys go to war  
> \- 21 y.o.: Shōyō's death, jōi4's separation, Gintoki surrenders himself to the Hitotsubashi  
> \- 22 y.o.: Gintoki settles in Kabuki-chō  
> \- 27 y.o.: he meets Shinpachi and Kagura  
> \- 30 y.o.: war against the liberation army (when I wrote this ff I had not seen this yet)  
> \- 32 y.o.: after time-skip  
> \- 34 y.o.: epilogue of the manga


End file.
